Colour Witch's Coven - The Threshold

The month of May in my 12-step colour system is Gold.

Meaning: To Value

Conscience. Opportunity. Authenticity. Self-worth. Boundaries. The bright and shiny glittery stuff, but also the really dark and uncomfortable stuff. The toxicity of the Toxic City.

And Gold has asked me some really awkward questions.

·         What am I worth - I mean, really worth and not just in £? (because that’s not a lot)

·         What do I keep giving away? (possessions, yes, but also my experience and expertise)

·         What have I accepted for so long that it started to feel normal?

And then I did a little meditating with some extra shadow work thrown in, and it explained the whole thing…

When I was about 12, I helped organise events with my parents, fundraisers, socials and showcases for the local Kidney Patients Association that my Dad chaired. I did loads of proper work, and not just the kind of stuff adults quietly let children do because they’re helpful and enthusiastic. This is exactly where my love for graphic design, marketing and event management stems from.

But then the adults got all the credit. And I let them.

I hadn’t thought about that in years.

And then this weekend happened and I found myself sitting in the woods in the sunshine with that exact same feeling.

Not because the campout wasn’t lovely. It was incredible. Sunshine, fire pits, drumming, art, SoulBathing, laughter, poi, silent disco chaos and a tiny village appearing in a field - with gorgeous people and the most incredible view.

And I just wanted to cry. Firstly because my integrity had been called into question, but also because I had once again not respected my own value.

Thinking about how quick people are to offer opinions* when they haven’t got a clue the effort that has gone into something, making assumptions about fairness and justice, when I’ve sat on yet another event that only just managed to cover its costs, and not a minute of my preparation time had been recompensed.

So I sat my 12 year old self down and had a word… and I think I’m realising something pretty uncomfortable. I really do love collaboration, but I do not love imbalance. More often than not I give way too much. Sometimes I attract people who mean well but don’t understand cost, risk, insurance, responsibility or any of the invisible set-up and pull-down work, after all this is my business, and I need to earn actual money to exist.

And I realised - The Golden City isn’t just about money.

It’s about exchange. A fair exchange for energy, credit, responsibility and value.

As I said in my last post, I’m wondering whether I need a break from organising for a while. Not because I don’t love creating things. I absolutely do. Apparently, I’m very good at birthing things, projects, events, even a fabulous human included. But maybe I’m tired of birthing things and then finding myself edged away from the centre while everyone else decides how to nurture them.

Maybe Gold is asking me to stop doing that, to stop giving so much of me that and devalue myself.

Maybe Gold is asking: ‘What would happen if you stayed in the centre of what you created and just fcking owned it?’

I don’t know the answer yet.

But I think I’m finally asking the right question.

Raychel

The Colour Witch

* Opinions are a bit like arseholes. We all have them. It doesn’t mean I want to see yours…

In the meantime... THE INSTITUTE OF WITCHES IS CLOSED FOR A LITTLE HOLIDAY

Management has gone wandering to untangle thoughts around value, balance, boundaries and not carrying the whole cauldron alone.

Doors reopen: 1st June (after a little pause and some full moon pondering)