I didn’t quit the dream. I quit the version of it that was making me miserable.

It’s been a while since I put my thoughts down - there’s been a lot going on, with hospital stays, work commitments, searching for The Red House and quitting - lots of quitting, and waiting…

This time of year is bittersweet for me, it’s been some of the worst times and the best - in 2000 I lost my Dad, and during that grief I discovered my passion for colour energy. It’s hard to believe it’s 26 years since I began my colour practice, but it has developed into something I am really proud of now. October also brought me my lovely husband - we met on the 15^th in 2006, and five years later married on that same date. We also moved into our home in October, and it has been a time for Goth gatherings and more recently celebrating Samhain as an actual Colour Witch.

This year, however, is proving to be all of the emotions, all at once. October is the Violet month in my Colour Wheel of the Year - a time of acceptance, going with the flow and feeling fulfilled just where you are. This is proving to be a little difficult at the moment.

Earlier this year we decided to start planning for our retirement, looking to downsize, be mortgage free and have less external pressure on us financially. And if possible, move near the coast, because of course, everything is better at the seaside!

I came to realise this year that I still need to be creative, I want to keep working on my books, my magickal products, connecting through workshops and creativity, but it also became clear that my love for the work I’ve been doing, cannot keep costing us money and peace. I’ve quit a lot of things this year - a regular event that had been turning sour the last few years, the income didn’t outweigh the heartache - so, I binned it off. I thought concentrating on The Gothic Gathering was my calling, I threw myself into it financially and emotionally, and what happened left me deeply hurt, especially because it involved people, I had considered friends. Coming to terms with that over the last few months, whilst still recovering from kidney problems has been difficult, but I have to consider my worth and put me first for a change - so I quit!

The house went on the market, and the Estate Agents made a few decisions that made me question their integrity - so we quit that too. Bit of a pattern emerging here yeah?

But I realised I’m not quitting my dream, just the noise around me, taking up my time, considering people who wouldn’t think twice about screwing me over. Carrying things that cost me way more than I can afford, both financially and emotionally, and yet it took me way too long to recognise that.

So where do I go from here? We found a house by the sea, but we have yet to sell ours, so we wait. I’ve made a few applications for projects that will inspire me and help me connect with communities, now I wait. I’ve not heard anything about my operation [they said it could be up to 8 months] so I wait - we’ve even got a new car on order that should have arrived in August - latest is end of November - so you guessed it - we wait. How very Violet Lake - on a boat with no oars, just drifting and hoping*.

So for now, I’m accepting that this is where we are, even if it’s not where I hoped we’d be. I still have ambitious plans for my books, workshops and taking my colour magick out on the road next year, but for now, I’ll just lay back, gaze at the stars and accept my place in the universe.

*from my book The Adventures of Rayne-Beau ~ Soul Ranger and my Colour Journey products.